Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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