What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
