you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
