Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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