no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
