i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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