This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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