i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Drunk is a universal language darling
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
