mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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