I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize