You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
