if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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