I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
NoShamevember. You game?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
