loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
