Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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