Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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