my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
