why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
