For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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