Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
