Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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