Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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