So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
