I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
