apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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