The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I smell stomach acid.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
