Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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