god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
