note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
