Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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