life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
