I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
