Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
