Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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