I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize