thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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