My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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