my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They took my balls.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
