I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
