My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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