He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
