You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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