I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
