Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
