you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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