Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am naked and annoyed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
