So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
