i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize