Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
