So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
