I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
