If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
