Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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