you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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