When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
