two words: eviction party
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
