I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
