My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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