i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
