We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
